BLOG SPECIAL REPORT

we have just lost writer Puma Jones (aka @Charming_Turd, account now sadly deleted) over some sort of drama. i think its cos i hid a post of his that i was getin some bad feedback about.

in the interest of fairness, here is the delete post, undeited. u be the judge!

Some things I've learned over the years by Puma Jones

Hey there, young snaps. Come sit on my front porch and let me lay some good old 50's style knowledge on your pert little ass. I've eaten out of my share of chum buckets, and been around the old carousel enough to have picked up some real gems over the years. You want some Werthers? Sit tight while I give you codgers a little knowledge worth more than any handjob or car stereo you can whip up.

• Skeletons do not have butts. Odds are, if it has no butt, it is a skeleton.
• Don't answer stupid questions. You'll only invite more. It's like pulling handkerchiefs out of a clown's asshole, and believe me, in the war, I did my share of that on both ends.
• Generally, if everyone else is scared, it's OK to be scared too, unless you're the one with the gun in your hands and the stocking on your head.
• A good chunk of humanity's innate majesty died when ol' Chuck Heston did.
• In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.). Remember how lucky that makes you that you live in America... the dickest country ever.
• I know you kids all think you're DJs these days, and you think your music is really the cat's meow, but I'll let you in on a little golden secret: You're not. You're just pink little worms with piercings in unsightly places.
• On July the 4th, go on out and lynch yourself a brown child. It's as American as apple pie and refusing to die despite old age and bad life choices.
• Be careful who you split hairs with. They could be one of those Atheists, and my pastor says they get all big and angry and green when you pique them, like that feller in the comic books.
• When you're curious about something, look into it. That includes the midday sun.
• Don't ever try to build a house on top of two other houses. Apparently, that's apartments.
• It's easier for most people to forget your very good qualities when they are mildly inconvenienced by one of the bad ones. All you have to do is shit in one kitchen...
• Vegetarian = homosexual. We saw it all the time in Da Nang. If you can't kill a baby animal in your hands and nourish yourself on the teat of its death, you're not a man and if I catch you eating salad and only salad I will fuck you with the business end of an M1 Garand until you see things the way The Lord intended.
• The Chinese. Don't look 'em in the eye. Ever.

Well, kids, it's time for me to take 12 fucking pills for being too old to matter and lay down for a while. I think Matlock's coming on, and besides, don't you kids have paper routes?

You work where? Hot Topic? I'll tell you a hot topic, son... my wife, back when I met her in '47.

[This article is part of BLOG's exclusive coverage of the Puma Jones resignation controversy, a series entitled U Mad? 2010. The full series: 1 2 3 4.]