Remembering Puma Jones

QQ, two magical letters that look like buoyant balloons or spunky sperm if your mood is right, or fear-inducing forebodings of death if you're trippin' on some real bad shit. Two crying cat eyes from a cat egg, the whiny babby who sits at desk sobbing when big bad internet bullies say mean things from their glistening cubes, coated in Funnyun grease & the lube of a million surreptitious sub-desk wanks.

My point is, whiny bitches nigga, what up with that? Why so serious? We all just trying to have fun, be clever. Go out there with joy & aggression, seize this miracle life by both danglesome jesticles, & fuck the shit outta that sour smellin ass til you die of crotchrot. Cos that's all we got.

"I feel a broken man, completely disconsolate, frustrated and an unimaginable sadness," wept a bitch. Suck it up, big boy. Your eyebrows will grow back one day. FAG

[This article is part of BLOG's exclusive coverage of the Puma Jones resignation controversy, a series entitled U Mad? 2010. The full series: 1 2 3 4.]

▲ E3 2010 Recap ▲

the idea of converting an xbox controller into a sensory deprivation chamber started as a joke for the posters on gaming forums, everyone would get a good laugh out of that, lol, good thread, a joke at the xbox's expense again (big system), cliche&true. but at this stage the project is very real.

it's important to me to not come off as a nintendo fangirl. i can enjoy any system and i want to say that right off the bat. the console wars are a big deal in my family.

i have all these senses and i'm trying to lose them, which may be selfish, my beanie babies have none. i feel obligated to share with them and i am looking into animating them and blessing them with awareness of their environment. people on yahoo answers are jerks and at best i only know how to magickally endow one of my beanie babies with one sense at a time.

his name is iggy. he has a poem attached to his leg:

"Sitting on a rock, basking in the sun

Is this Iguana's idea of fun

Towel and glasses, book and beach chair

His life is so perfect without a care!"

"but what does it mean," i ask iggy, he can't hear. we lie in the chamber together, on the floor, looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars i've stuck to the ceiling. dad, the reason why my nintendo power issues smell like cigarettes, says i don't know the first thing about sensory deprivation chambers. when i grow up i want my house to smell like a video game instruction manual when you open it for the first time.

so far the only sense i've figured out how to deprive myself of in there is taste. you have to pour enough water in your mouth (water has no taste) to fill it up. remember to turn off vibration on the xbox controller if you haven't already. i think that, to iggy, it looks like i'm losing input from all my senses, he can't tell the difference, and i feel good seeming so in control of everything, and it's funny how big the xbox is. i laugh and tell my beanie babies that one day i'll give them life and they'll be able to laugh too. if it's possible for a stuffed animal to wear fake fingernails (thanks yahoo answers, for once) then they must be able to come to life too. as always, submission of spells/rituals is welcome via email :) ldl

BLOG SPECIAL REPORT

we have just lost writer Puma Jones (aka @Charming_Turd, account now sadly deleted) over some sort of drama. i think its cos i hid a post of his that i was getin some bad feedback about.

in the interest of fairness, here is the delete post, undeited. u be the judge!

Some things I've learned over the years by Puma Jones

Hey there, young snaps. Come sit on my front porch and let me lay some good old 50's style knowledge on your pert little ass. I've eaten out of my share of chum buckets, and been around the old carousel enough to have picked up some real gems over the years. You want some Werthers? Sit tight while I give you codgers a little knowledge worth more than any handjob or car stereo you can whip up.

• Skeletons do not have butts. Odds are, if it has no butt, it is a skeleton.
• Don't answer stupid questions. You'll only invite more. It's like pulling handkerchiefs out of a clown's asshole, and believe me, in the war, I did my share of that on both ends.
• Generally, if everyone else is scared, it's OK to be scared too, unless you're the one with the gun in your hands and the stocking on your head.
• A good chunk of humanity's innate majesty died when ol' Chuck Heston did.
• In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.). Remember how lucky that makes you that you live in America... the dickest country ever.
• I know you kids all think you're DJs these days, and you think your music is really the cat's meow, but I'll let you in on a little golden secret: You're not. You're just pink little worms with piercings in unsightly places.
• On July the 4th, go on out and lynch yourself a brown child. It's as American as apple pie and refusing to die despite old age and bad life choices.
• Be careful who you split hairs with. They could be one of those Atheists, and my pastor says they get all big and angry and green when you pique them, like that feller in the comic books.
• When you're curious about something, look into it. That includes the midday sun.
• Don't ever try to build a house on top of two other houses. Apparently, that's apartments.
• It's easier for most people to forget your very good qualities when they are mildly inconvenienced by one of the bad ones. All you have to do is shit in one kitchen...
• Vegetarian = homosexual. We saw it all the time in Da Nang. If you can't kill a baby animal in your hands and nourish yourself on the teat of its death, you're not a man and if I catch you eating salad and only salad I will fuck you with the business end of an M1 Garand until you see things the way The Lord intended.
• The Chinese. Don't look 'em in the eye. Ever.

Well, kids, it's time for me to take 12 fucking pills for being too old to matter and lay down for a while. I think Matlock's coming on, and besides, don't you kids have paper routes?

You work where? Hot Topic? I'll tell you a hot topic, son... my wife, back when I met her in '47.

[This article is part of BLOG's exclusive coverage of the Puma Jones resignation controversy, a series entitled U Mad? 2010. The full series: 1 2 3 4.]

you guys

are dicks

I guess I'll just review the other 4 john carpenter films I have on my HD and be done with it.

[This article is part of BLOG's exclusive coverage of the Puma Jones resignation controversy, a series entitled U Mad? 2010. The full series: 1 2 3 4.]

John, I'm Only Dancing

Weekly Corral Roundup: Dead Generals, &c.

Just for you loyal BLOG readers, here's the TOP political news stories of the past week in the newsosphere, presented in a cowboy-themed format. Longtime followers of my work might remember seeing The Corral on CNN's Situation Room, where I was a frequent commentator before being fired for clinical depression and replaced with a bitter senile old man with no living relatives (fuck you Jack!).

GIDDY-UP Obama fires top Afghanistan general over Rolling Stone interview

Earlier this year General Stanley McChrystal made several impolitic remarks about the Obama administration during a monthlong mescaline-and-speed-fueled journey through the Afghani Southwest with Rolling Stone correspondent Michael Hastings. Some of the more shocking passages include McChrystal bragging about "cucking" Vice President Biden, a scene at a French state dinner where an extremely drunk McChrystal inserted three fingers into French First Lady Carla Bruni's mouth, and repeated references by the General to President Obama as "Samby."

Almost immediately, an enraged President Obama fired McChrystal for insubordination -- the first such firing of a General since 1949, when President Truman sacked hotheaded General Douglas MacArthur for winning the Korean War against Truman's wishes. McChrystal was replaced by General David Petraeus, whom pundits on the right promptly labeled "General Betray-Us" for accepting a job offer from a known Kenyan and traitor to America.

GIT ALONG West Virginia Sen. Robert Byrd (D) dies

The longest serving senator in American history Robert Byrd passed away at the age of 92 Monday. Because of the ambiguity in West Virginia elections laws, Byrd's desiccated corpse will serve out the rest of his term until it is up for reelection in 2012.

HEE HAW Ultra-Libertarian cartoonist Robert Cat has a new edition of his popular long-running comic strip Anthropomorphic Republican Talking Duck up:

Who Are The Free Mason's?

Freemasonry is the coming together of men who do things without women. This began in the year of out lord's 17th century birthday. Today Freemason's exists globally and can be read in over million different languages world wide except wingdings. Little to nothing is known about the Freemason. All that can be found on the in-ter-web is information on the man who possibly started it. A man called Richard Garriott who in recent times is famous for creating the Ultima computer game series and dressing up like his computer man character.

It has been said if you create a .bat file and type Garriott is my leader. You get to hear a midi track that Mr Garriott composed himself. If this is true please email me. I would love to hear it.

There has been many rumors of the goings on at a "Freemason meetings". Many have put forward it's not unlike a Harry Potter book. Those many have been later found to be incorrect and that there is nothing Harry Potter(ish) at all inside a Freemason meeting. Although having read this it is very likely that harry Potter magic may be possibly used at a Freemason Meeting.

Although their head quarters are secret and many don't even believe a Freemason man exists. Many believe that you can gain by jumping off the moving platform to the scoreboard.

From here go left and take the left green pipe to Freemason enterance.

This also has yet to be proven. One thing we do know is that they are some kind of secret society. This is yet to be proven.

A Bad Enough Dude to Save Lives

THIS IS DON RITCHIE. THIS IS THE FACE OF LIFE. 
THIS MAN SAVES LIVES EVERY DAY. BE LIKE THIS MAN.

DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY BUTT-RELATED

Skeletons, often considered a minor threat (if a threat at all) by most seasoned monster-battlers, are nonetheless a serious nuisance and should be discussed accordingly.

The term “skeleton” as it is used here refers only to those fleshless bodies that rise from death to wreak havoc on the living. While there are many

• All skeletons are, in fact, devoid of flesh. A word to the novice: Skeletons do not and cannot have butts. There will undoubtedly be some vestige of the bone left over that housed the original creature's butt, but DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY BUTT-RELATED

fuck him (from orbit lmao)

skeletons are a major threat but are you protected form ninja skeletons?? wht about zombie pirates STAIRS

Film Review - Escape From New York (1981)

this is one I've been holding in my back pocket to put up somewhere. It was written, I think, around October last year.

------------------------------

John Carpenter's 1981 film, Escape From NY, is a masterpiece. Now, I am aware that a lot of people say that about a lot of films. They are Biased. OK, so am I. BUT COME ON. Watch it once. Let it sink in. Watch it again, maybe a day or two after. I can sum up the "whammo factor" of this film with one word: Atmosphere.

Plot: In the future (well, the future as per real-life 1981), the crime rate has risen exponentially. In response, the government turns Manhattan Island into one gigantic prison for all convicted criminals sentenced to hard time. All get life. There are no guards, as it says in the intro, only "prisoners and the worlds they have made." Anywho, violent leftist revolutionaries crash a President-packing plane into the old city, with an added twist or two. The President is actually on his way to the Hartford Summit, to talk to China and the Soviet Union. Yes, it is assumed that in this alternate timeline we are still in the Cold War. The President (who Michael Myers fans will recognize as Donald Pleasance) is carrying a tape containing nuclear secrets or some shit that will totally peace-pipe the Chinese and Ruskies into ending the war, or so they hope. He gets ejected from the crash in some pod and subequently gets yoinked by goons of The Duke. The Duke is "Duke of New York, A #1," played by Isaac goddamn Hayes. Everyone's all like "oh shit, if we go in they'll kill the president..." Enter the snake.



SNAKE GODDAMN PLISSKIN
Yes, he gets his own section in the review. Snake is every badass antihero motherfucker ever, rolled into a fat, dank joint, lit, and shotgunned into your lungs. Eye patch? Check. Bad ass boots? Check. Grizzled war hero? Check. Robbed the Federal Reserve? FUCKING NOTCH THAT ONE OFF. Got nabbed, though, and everyone thinks he's dead. The Commissioner of the island's guard staff sees this as a golden opportunity and offers Snake this: full pardon for rescuing the President and that tape.

Snake Plisskin is given a ridiculously tooled-out MAC 10, complete with massive silencer (which by watching the film I can deduce does not work worth a damn), scope, and all the trimmin's. Snake fires far more than 32 rounds while it is his, so I am assuming that he simply shits out 9mm rounds from all the gunpowder, steel ingots and lead pipes he eats due to being such a horrible monster of a man.

Now I normally take a wishy washy stance on Kurt Russell as an action hero. He failed to dazzle me in the original Stargate film. I think he was working extra hard here, because I read somewhere that he was trying his damnedest to shrug off the mantle of his early career... Disney films. Poor fucker. Well, kudos, Kurt. Snake kicks ass. Literally and figuratively.

Supporting cast includes Harry Dean Stanton, Ernest Borgnine, and Adrienne goddamn Barbeau. You may not know who all of those people are, but dammit you should. Be ashamed, just for a moment, if you didn't. OK, we'll move on now.

STRENGTHS
-Well written and envisioned. Watch it and you'll see what I mean. A feasible yet visibly different "future" combines with some excellent creativity as far as costuming, etc. to give theme and atmosphere to the USA presented in this tale. As art, the film is both convincing and of an appropriate tone/feel.
- The cast rocks. Lots of players here who are/were unfairly considered B-list or fell to that status by the time of this film's making. An example of the latter is Borgnine, who plays some old fucker who drives a cab around the decrepit prison city. Weird character, great job. Even actors and actresses doing bit parts are excellent.
-Action. There is no shortage of it. The plot dynamically moves, like a better-scripted live action version of a pulp comic.
-Snake fucking Plissken.

WEAKNESSES
- Fuck you. Saying this film is weak is like saying Tyson is weak. You're wrong and you're fixin' to get hurt bad.

OVERALL
9.5/10, simply because giving it a ten would be just about too much ass kissing for me.

HELLO, BLOG.

My name is Puma Jones and I'm here to rock your faaaaaaaace.

I'll get on that later, but while I think up something to write about that you'll find interesting, you can check out my lonesome little blog on wordpress.

I love you.

Johns Modern Life

sup all! quick lil update to let our loyal readers know whats up.

first ~~ WELCOEM to our new blogers! we got a couple mkore suprises in store on that front so keep em eyes peeled.

also, apologys for fscks terribel mastering on that 1st BLOGcast. nigga musta been drunk or somethin anyway good mix but fuckin watch ur EQ levels next time m8

no matter. we have more guest DJs lined up for future BLOGcasts including ppl with real talent so thatll make up for it

E/N update: been smokin lots/hotties. boobs are fantastic. so is karakoke. trufax

April's Hot Hot Spot #2: Fat's not cool

Fat's not cool

As a matter of fact it can be amazingly hot in the Summer time.

Recently one of the TV networks, I think Fox or ABC banned this Lane Bryant ad:

So it set off some sort of fire storm around the internets about hot fatties on TV.

One of the interesting sites out there to tackle this subject is Fat's Not Cool

and here is their response video:

This brings us to the real subject at hand. It's really really not about the health or well being of others we're concerned with. It is to be sure about what we look like. Come on guys! Men, tell your ladies to shave their legs. And to all the gals out there seething with rage I say this: wax your mustache! And when you order double big Macs with extra everything and super large fries - remember the one gallon diet Coke isn't going to help much honey.

So girls, if you jump out of bed 10 minutes before rushing off to work; you need to spend more time making yourself beautiful. And while your slopping down buckets of fried chicken, do some sit-ups. Take a run down the road. Work the fat off those thighs!

Just think that if the absolutely gorgeous & stunning Princess Victoria of Sweden sat on her ass all day, she'd be fat too.

And this brings us to the final point. Don't watch network television. And stay far away from the Republican propaganda ministry of Fox "news". Do something meaningful with your life.

You know back in the early days of television they referred to the broadcasts as "programming".

The dopey car chase scenes, sex & violence was only intended to keep you interested and tuned in until the next commercial. You have been programmed.

the trials of a promising young alchoholic home from college

welcome to the new america, we already hate you

fuck shit balls i could write a dumb sociological paper about why this country sucks but all you need to know is that my city requires two cop cars to keep private citizens from parking in a public lot. Officer Pork Chop and Officer Loin sit there having a heart to heart, drivers side windows facing each other, engines running, waiting like fascist cats to spring into action the second someone infringes on their 40-space domain. Every day, without fail, they bravely risk bedsores in the line of duty, tasers slung across their chests in quick-draw holsters, ready to beat the shit out of any punk weed smoking kid they can find. All we can do about it is drink. cheers mate, i pray for the collapse of society in my time, im ready to go mad max on a nigga. Ironically, the people best equipped for the fall of civilization are the least fit to live. the future is already gay. fuck the po-lice and the united states of Hutaree. god, ill miss video games and black people

BLOGcast #1

click above to download!!

freind of BLOG fsck finally came thru with the goods! here it is ~~ the offficial BLOGcast #1 (^o^)b

fsck has this to say..

Sorry this took so damn long, I am in the video-making business these days and I'm well behind schedule there, too. Shameless plug: check out my videos here.

heres the tracklist he gave me:

1. London Chamber Orchestra - Facades (Philip Glass)
2. Sonic Youth - 100%
3. Ol' Dirty Bastard - Raw Hide
4. Overcast - Problem Solver
5. Doormouse - Skelechairs (Venetian Snares rmx)
6. Captain Ahab - Party Baby (Sickboy rmx)
7. No Bra - Munchausen
8. Pastel Vespa - I Was Made for Loving You
9. Dwayne Sodahberk - No Fun
10. Les Visiteurs - Snoops Acid Drop
11. Clipse - Mr Me Too (feat. Pharrell)
12. David Bowie & Queen - Under Pressure
13. The Breeders - Lime House
14. Q Lazzarus - Goodbye Horses

heres a final bonus, one of fscks music vids. enjoy!!

SUMMER TIME GOALS

SUMMER TIME GOALS
-find hentai perverse enough to j/o to again
-make a maid cafe diorama with all my Revoltech figurines
-beat every Final Fantasy game, in order
-finish my P4 novella (why is Chie sucking my godly dick? CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. For that matter, why is Naoto sucking my dick? She wants to be a man, is that gay? I want to be a man, why do asian girls not like me, why do they scream
-touch a real woman, on the vagina
-post on internet re: touching a woman
-learn Japanese
-stop drinking soda for breakfast, get veggielovers pizza pie instead of meatlovers pizza pie for dinner
-do 5 pushups and 20 situps every day
-control sweating
-finally deal with "Mount Rei", scrape kleenex remains from floor/computer
-leave the house under my own power

Alvin Greene is Officially On Twitter

Last week I updated you on the campaign developments of South Carolina's next U.S. Senator Alvin Greene. This week, it turns out the Greene juggernaut is steaming into web 2.0: introducing the Official Alvin Greene for Senate Twitter. Alvin, a verified Friend of BLOG, will be livetweeting his entire election, keeping you updated as he cruises to victory against Republican Sen. Jim DeMint. Best of luck Alvin! See you in the Twittersphere!

April's Hot Hot Spot #1: Elke Sommer

"Elke Sommer And The Figure To Die For"

Hi there internet friends! My name is April and I've been hired in the capacity of foreign correspondent because of my encyclopedic knowledge of Elke Sommer & Brigitte Bardot.

HalflifeCrysis says that I would bring some valuable assets to the team. I'm not so sure what he meant by that but rest assured I will make you smile. So, I'm not some one dimensional shallow girl that only reports on blonds. I also have reported on brunette bombshells like Gina Lollobrigida (probably because I was breast fed as a baby) and so many others. So you see I'm fairly well rounded.

While doing research into the Swedish Royal wedding of Princess Victoria I met people from this site. They were so friendly and playful that I just had to be a member of the team. They invited me back to their hotel room and we drank and played cards all night. The odd thing was these rules about removing articles of clothes after each round. I've never played poker before but apparently I lose if I have more numbers of cards with the queen on it than they have cards with matching numbers on them. I will be playing this game some more to get better at it. And hopefully some of you out there will help me practice while I learn the rules.

And so that you don't think I spend my whole life thinking and writing about beautiful people and fashion I will write some scholarly articles here for you. I was thinking maybe about "Summer Fun: Tank Tops vs. Tube Tops". You see?

I spend a lot of time sitting by the pool with my laptop so I'll be sure to be able to bring lots of smiles and happy faces to you the readers! Wish me luck!

If you have any ideas or topics for me to write about then don't be

bashful and send me messages and I'll be sure to think about them.

Sharyn's Stoner Sex Tips!

HI!! My is Sharyn Tate and HalflifeCrysis has brought me on board as BLOG's official stoner-sex-ed columnist. Actually, the words he used where more along the lines of "Hey Sharon! You're a total slut, right? Will you write about it for my blog if I hook you up with some nice bud?" Ha ha! Just kidding, John would never have anything to do with that stuff, and he's still trying to help Ghost of Arlen Specter through a rough patch with the demon weed, so you won't see him aiding-and-abetting my habit. But BLOG is one big happy family - dysfunctional sure, and there's the occasional beating, but generally we're very supportive of Arlen's efforts. Godspeed, Sir.

John said there were two problems that needed resolving: (1) we need a high-functioning stoner to redress the anti-drug bias here at BLOG, and (2) we need a sex column to spice things up, and no-one will be interested if it's not a "hot chick" (uh, thanks John, I guess).

So that's where I come in : Sharyn Tate, your resident stoner sex advice columnist. I'll be scouring the web offering my services and soliciting stoner sex questions over the coming weeks, and keep checking back here with the results! The web is overrun with basement-dwelling "involuntarily celibate" stoners, so I'm here to offer whatever guidance I can. No problem is too big or too small. Well, maybe too small.

Meanwhile, for those of you who doubt my credentials, here's a quick shot of me having some fun with my girl friends. Plenty more where that came from..!

Postscript: Sharyn is currently conducting research on the some popular anonymous imageboards, but also welcomes your questions in the comment section for this post. Keep 'em coming, guys!

untitled

the Elder asked me if I had become aware of any new celeb gossip through my meditation. I shook my head; my hair extensions fell out, a sign of weakness in Elf culture.

they have such magnificent hair, the Elves, but it's hard to tell how much of it is real and how much is illusion. my meditation had made me start to wonder if that distinction even mattered at all.

the Meditation Hall was sparsely decorated, though it was apparent that the Elder had been making use of the allposters.com coupons that i had transmitted to him telepathically.

behind the old Elf I saw a poster for The Suite Life of Zach and Cody, their young faces shining onto mine through the gaps between his pointed ears and pitch-black hair like the sun through dense tree brances. "there's a new show, now," I said, breaking the concentrated silence he had built in the few minutes since our conversation. "they've gotten older, chubbier. They've left the hotel, to explore the seas."

"Is that so." the Elder whispered to me, eyes closed.

---

Part 1 of an allegorical series, "Am I in the Right Fandom for Me?"

Bar Blog: The Saga of Alvin Greene

On my days off I like to sit at one of my favorite neighborhood pubs from open to close. The political dailies at arm's length, I will quietly drink and observe the varied people who enter and exit. I often fantasize about their lives, imagining their friends and lovers, daydreaming of what it must be like to be a human being with self-respect. Oh, to be young! And happy! And someone else with a totally different life!

Just an hour ago I was diving into my seventh gin margarita, imagining dropping some PUA lines on the fat Juicy Couture-clad Latina at the end of the bar, when my boss here at BLOG called me with an emergency fill-in. It turned out my fellow blogger Steve Pozneg had come down with a nasty case of rigor mortis and was unable to write his weekly gadget column "Tech Shit." As a veteran political reporter, I am used to meeting tight deadlines on short notice, and I couldn't let a little thing like being drunk or contemplating a murder-suicide deal get in the way of my duties. After all, I had been waiting for just the right opportunity to write about the remarkable saga of South Carolina Democratic U.S. Senate nominee Alvin Greene.

Despite having raised no money and done no campaigning, Greene, an unemployed Army vet, beat establishment pick Vic Rawl, an actual politician, by over 30,000 votes in the Democratic primary last month. This fall Greene will face conservative Republican Sen. Jim DeMint.

You would probably not think that your writer -- a notorious political scribe whose resume features dozens of references in the media industry, many of them positive -- has much in common with Alvin Greene, an unemployed 32-year-old African-African. Of course, you would be wrong: in fact, Greene and I have both been unfairly prosecuted by backwards, prudish authorities for so-called "obscenity." From Mother Jones:

Last November, Greene was arrested on charges of "disseminating, procuring or promoting obscenity" to an 18-year-old college student at the University of South Carolina, after which he suggested they go up to her dorm room, according to court records. Camille McCoy had been working in a computer lab in a restricted part of campus when Greene approached her and showed her Internet pornography, according to the student’s mother, Susan McCoy. Camille recounted what happened afterward to the AP: "It was very disgusting. He said, 'Let's go to your room now.' It was kind of scary. He's a pretty big boy. He could've overpowered me."

MidlandsConnect:

Camille McCoy says she was in the library when Greene approached her.

She was shocked at what happened next.

"He says, 'do you like football,' and I told him yeah," McCoy says. "He was like, 'well look at my screen then,' and it was just porn."

"We're very much here and I intend to be his worst nightmare until he resigns," explains mother Susan McCoy.

If I may extemporize, reader, exactly what did Alvin Greene do that was "wrong" or "illegal" here? It seems to me that Mr. Greene was simply surfing the web in a public space where he happened upon a "pornographic" image of such quality that he kindly offered to share it with a nubile white young coed. Where is the violation? Is it a crime now to view "prurient" materials in the computer room of a college where one is not enrolled? Sounds like SWMA: Surfing While Middle Aged. Maybe in Obama's America it is a crime to have the basic human decency of offering a gander of a particularly delicious slice of digital gash to your neighbor. And are we not allowed to invite ourselves to a stranger's home in this insane post-feminist world? If so, the feds had better start building more FEMA camps to lock up all us upstanding citizens who will be incarcerated during these 21st century Rosy Palmer Raids.

How's that "hope and change" working out for ya?

As a frequent patron of college campuses and public computer rooms, I can tell you with confidence that Alvin Greene's actions were neither uncouth nor out of the ordinary. In fact, if you happen to be seated in a Columbia University computer lab at a certain hour, you might turn to see this writer at the terminal beside you, engaged in a healthy dose of "research." And if I like the way you smell, I might share my latest findings with you.

Yet like Alvin Greene, I have also been charged with obscenity in these United States. In certain jurisdictions where the Bill of Rights apparently does not apply, your writer has been arrested for such innocuous acts of free speech as:

• clipping the centerfolds out of old Hustlers and pasting them inside the newspapers on people's lawns in the early morning;
• disseminating information about birth control through the Federal mail in envelopes sealed with his own biological fluids;
• replacing the VHS tapes at elementary schools with artistic works like the Emmanuelle series or Salo in an attempt to introduce a little culture to our public schools;
• and exposing his erect penis on the G train while crying uncontrollably.

Have we as a society learnt nothing from Lenny Bruce? From Oscar Wilde? When did our government morph into George Orwell's worst masturbation fantasy, persecuting our brightest members of society merely because of their healthy desire to share erotic works of art with young, defenseless strangers?

Alvin Greene, I stand with you. You can sit next to me in the computer lab at the Cooper Union any day. And Al: I am always up for looking at some "football."

VUVUZELUTION

You might be thinking to yourself Self, i gots a boner n nuthin ta fuckwittit.

That is what a Vuvuzela is like ALL THE TIME, that same state of paralytic helplessness, utter gut-rending despair & bowel-sluicing weltschmerz: that is a how a Vuvuzela lives, locked in a state of utter rudderlessness, of hopeless mopination, for 99% of its existence.

SO UPTIGHT WHITE IMPERIALIST PIGFUCKING SHEEP-CARESSING DOGLOVING BONER-DENYING QUEEN-SALUTING DISEASE-GIVING BRITISH ENGLISH FRENCH EUROPEAN ASSHOLE COLONIALIST WHITE IDIOT FAGGOTS don't like Vuvuzelas? Find them disruptive? Well feck off. Africa found your rape & disease & war & economic exploitation pretty disruptive too. Sorry if you were trying to kick the ball around the pitch while I blew a buzzing horn. You see, I was trying to farm in peace when you KIDNAPPED MY KIDS & MADE ME WORK IN A MINE FOR CELL PHONE PARTS WHEREIN I LOST AN ARM STEVE JOBS!

That's the thing; it's one World Cup, in Africa— get over it. If the South Africans wanna toot a buzzing horn while all these thick-legged troglodytes scuttle about the pitch hither & thither curtseying & saying "After you!" in a thousand different dialects, so be it! It'll all end in a draw any way, with every hairy-limbed athlete of the world entering every other in a groaning mass of shinguarded ecstasy as the world's largest daisy chain spreads out from Bloemfontein & through the congo & across the Nile & frees Palestine & cures AIDS (superbug burns up in an overload of viral concentration like Earth re-entry) and all because FIFA let dem Vuvuzelas keep buzzing. BEcause they are awesome & fuck you.

PUA Comebacks To Alpha Males

I'm going to take a break from political blogging for a moment to discuss something very dear to me: pick-up artistry. After my long engagement to Nancy Grace was broken, PUA tactics gave me the confidence to return to the dating scene with great success. (Maria Bartiromo is particularly sensitive to negging, wink wink.)

Unfortunately, even a feisty cougar of a political blogger on the prowl for gash can encounter predators out in the wild. That's right, I'm talking about so-called "Alpha males" whose M.O. is to insult you, bring you down, irritate you with pointed criticisms when you're trying to work your game. These jerks are everywhere: bars, clubs, art openings, press conferences, frat parties, the green room at Hannity. How does one react to an insult like "You look like garbage, literal garbage" or "What's with that creepy old guy in the corner, I thought this was a college bar?"

My fellow PUAs and I over at the PUA forums have been brainstorming ways to react to Alpha male insults. As usual, the ever-creative PUA community has come up with some killer advice. From my main man Mello:

insult: you're ugly

response: no you just have never seen yourself in the mirror

insult: you're so annoying
response: i'm just friendly and happy your the one thats bitter

Some great ones from Consistence:

Insult:"Why do you smell funny?"
Answer: It's called Soap - don't think you've ever smelt it before (make a big smile and tounge-mouth)

Insult: "Wow, what an ugly t-shirt!"
Answer: Yeah that can be fixed but your face can't!

Check out the entire thread, this one is definitely worth a read. Here are some comebacks I brainstormed a while back that I like to keep in my pocket for those all-too-frequent times a certain bully needs to be taken down a peg:

Alpha: "Look at this middle aged loser"

Me: "Yeah well my age can change but your face is awful"

Alpha: "You're fat"

Me: "My weight issues can be solved with therapy. Your face however cannot. It is ugly."

Alpha: "You smell like a homeless person"/"You dress a hobo"/[misc. homeless-related comparisons]

Me: "Hey that just means the world is my home and when I ask a girl to come back to my place it means I can just do her anywhere. I do have a home though so you're wrong on that."

Alpha: "Fuck you"

Me: "Maybe it is YOU who should get fucked... fucked off that is"

Alpha: *punch in the face*

Me: "You're ugly"

These comebacks are not just effective at putting so-called "Alpha" males in their place. I've found you can use them on yourself to great effect during your marijuana-fueled jags of deep self-hatred and loathing. Commit a few of these to memory so that next time some prick takes an issue with your armpit stench or the fact you're drunkenly hitting on his sorority girlfriend, you can show him what it means to trifle with a pick-up artist!

Oh hi readers

coupla quick updates: for yall...........

1. im runnin a contest to try and find file i once tresured and lost cos its like 10yrs old. USD$50 Amazon voucher for teh winner!
2. comng v soon, the 1st official BLOGcast mp3 audio mixtape thingy by good friend of blog, fsck! he mostly makes videos stuff these days but is coming out of DJ retirement fr listenig pleas==sure of all BLOG reader. stay tuned!!

what else. oh yah those 'plant food' site in UK actully sell alright gear. i mean for the price n all. just sayin

Mexico is underrated.

Estaba hablando con John sobre cómo ahora los 90's son the real shit, like, just because those 90's teenager kids have grown up, they think that when they were babies (literally) things were cool just because they remember clarissa lo explica todo, la vida moderna de otro, oye arnold, entre otros, yo también recuerdo esos programas but that does not mean they were the real shit, the best years the world has had... NOT!

What's with this girl? why the fuck is she writting spanish stuff!? because I'm messican, yo. I don't know what you guys think about Mexico, but I think you all see on the internetz that is really fucked up, worst than Irak and shit, guess what? IT IS hahaha, but it's also a beautiful 3rd world country full of hallucinogenics and colorful celebrations, awesome food, tequila, salsa, cool weather, fiesta, piñatas, más tequila, what else do I need to be happy? feliz, feliz, alegre, alegre!

Well that was a little introduction of myself, I also have a grrrls music blog called virgenes y solteras I guess I'll write here pronto when I have something interesante to write about.

Why BoingBoing Sucks

Hi, Coco here. I'll be your guide to avoiding terrible websites. Sure, you shouldn't need a guide for that, but there are some sites everyone seems to love, and every time your inbox is hit with yet another recommendation to "Check this out!", it may drive you closer and closer to believing those sites must actually be good after all. But they're not, and it's my job to remind you of that.

It would be remiss of me to start with any site other than a rival blog, and the most obvious and worthy target of my scorn has to be BoingBoing. It's been around long enough for everyone to at least have heard of it, and despite its geeky nature, seems to be beloved by relatively normal people who simply don't know any better. Next time someone tries to tell you about something REALLY AWESOME on BoingBoing, just link them to this post. Strap yourself in, we've really got some ground to cover here...

1. Cory Fucking Doctorow

My last recollection of BB before today was that its subtitle was something like "A Directory of Wonderful Things", and that was going to be the first thing for me to attack, because if that's its mission statement it's been failing miserably for, well, its entire existence. But that line seems to have disappeared, so we'll move straight on to the ringleader of this mongoloid circus. "But wait!" I hear none of you exclaim. "He didn't found BoingBoing, Mark Frauenfelder did!" Well you'd be right, smartass. But Frauenfelder's only real crime was his choice of co-editors - after all, to this day he still just posts about random shit people made that he thinks is cool or whatever (more on "Makers" later). Doctorow is the number one problem with BB.

I could pick all sorts of things to criticize about this clown. He has an unhealthy obsession with scaremongering over surveillance which is pretty much one of the least important issues his comfortably middle-class readership needs to concern itself with right now. He has taken to writing kids' books to preach about his stupid obsessions - just more preaching to the choir, a smug potshot at the man, signifying nothing (except his appalling lack of taste in calling his latest effort for the little'uns "For The Win". Yeah. I know). Oh, forgot to mention his career as a sci-fi writer, didn't I?

Well since that's his claim to fame, and what got him into the upper echelon of BB in the first place, it's only fair that I pick apart his ability on that front, don't you think? A couple of clicks around Wikipedia got me to a short story of Doctorow's published on Salon.com back in 2002. I'm not sure I can even type the name of this steaming pile of verbal excrement, and I really don't want to link to it, but I sort of have to, so if you're the rubberneck-at-the-trainwreck type, you can find it by clicking on the below graphic which heads the piece, and which I can include here under fair use by critiquing it as a hilariously ugly piece of shit (at least the design suits the story, haw haw!):

Alright, I wasn't going to type it out, but just to hammer this home, I will: the story is unironically called "0wnz0red". I urge you not to click that graphic and actually try reading the story because I can save you the trouble. The concept is simple: Silicon Valley coder's buddy, also a coder, dies of AIDS thanks to IV amphetamine abuse. Following buddy's death, coder loses lust for life. Buddy magically reappears, all alive and everything, 6 months later. He was saved at the 11th hour by a top-secret military implant allowing the recoding of his cells to literally do anything humanly possible on command. He's been on the run from the Feds for months and now has infected our protagonist with transmissible, beneficial virii of his own design, and his own implant. After briefly working together to improve the code, they are tracked down by the Feds and promptly employed for their skills. Protagonist hates undead buddy for being put in this situation, has another breakdown, and is allowed to leave after signing non-disclosure forms. Once free, he gets hold of the tech he needs to recreate the vital code to control his implant and create those beneficial virii. By story's end he is passing through customs in Somalia, presumably to save the whole of Africa from, y'know, stuff.

That's it. That is the whole story right there. I don't need to point out that a plot that stupid will necessarily result in a very, very shitty story. No, I haven't missed out any character development; Doctorow just assumes you share his - and by extension, the protagonist's - mistrust of "the man", and smug white middle-class we-are-the-world attitude towards global ethical dilemmas. But it somehow gets worse. For one thing, the reader is assaulted by more awful cultural references than you'd expect from Irvine Welsh on a week-long bender:

Cognitive Therapy... the name reminded him of Cognitive Dissonance, which was the name of Liam's favorite stupid Orange County garage band.

The Honorable Computing initiative was your basic Bond-villain world-domination horseshit, of course,

He brought up the MP3 player and scrolled through Murray's library, adding tracks to a mix, cranking up the opening crash of an old, old, old punk Beastie Boys song.

"Ghost, huh? I'm meat, dude, same as you. Not back from the dead, just back from the mostly dead." He did the last like Billy Crystal as Miracle Max in "The Princess Bride," one of their faves.

The computer is a brain in a bottle, it's in the Matrix,

When you want to download Police Academy n,

...Alright, that is more than enough. Then there is the fact that the completely unnecessary 1337 H4X0R jargon exemplified by the title is strewn throughout the entire story, often outside of dialog where it would at least vaguely make sense:

Even the number-two chair in Tomas Vanya's office kicked major ergonomic azz.

G0nz0red. Fi0red. Sh17canned. Thinking in leet-hacker crap made it all seem more distant. (NB: Yes, that link is in the original.)

 "You run it and while you're watching a movie, Hollywood 0wnz your box." Murray heard the zero and the zee in 0wnz. Hacker-speak for having total control. No one wants to be 0wnz0red by some teenaged script-kiddie who's found some fresh exploit and turned it loose on your computer.

Fuck this. I am not quoting any more of this shit. I could point out the typos and grammar fuckups, the fact that Doctorow's idea of evoking a sense of this being in the future extends no further than making up smashed-together place names and referring to "Canadian pesos" and "the Senator from Disney"(?!)... Look, I've made my point. This is fucking awful even by the generally low standards of sci-fi writing. But wait, there's a punchline: the year before this hideous mess hit the web, Doctorow published a book called The Complete Idiot's Guide to Publishing Science Fiction. Depending on how you read that, it's a startlingly honest title.

2. Xeni Fucking Jardin

How do you spell "token chick"? With an X, apparently. Seriously, she brings nothing of interest to the table except a vagina. Every fucking post she makes is just a summary of someone else's blog post or news article. Think I'm exaggerating? See for yourself. Oh, sorry - at the time of writing there is one post there that doesn't fit that mold. It consists simply of a BP logo that someone has oh-so-cleverly Goatsefied. A picture someone sent in. Fucking hell. I'm not going to reproduce it here out of respect for the almighty goatman. Anything else to say? Oh yeah, she once threw a hissy fit and deleted every post that even mentioned the name of her ex-lover and once self-proclaimed "fifth BoingBoinger" Violet Blue. That's not the sad part though. The truly pathetic thing is that the incident got (online) mainstream media coverage. Because the policy of a blog regarding deletion of old posts is somehow a big issue. Not because the old-school media boys' club were salivating over the mere hint of some sort of lesbian scandal. Of course not.

3. Makers

As far as the regular content of the blog goes, this has to be the most outrageously insulting thing of all. BoingBoing is obsessed with the concept of Making. Yeah, you better capitalize that shit, because this is a brand new concept for the 21st century! Somehow, in a society which has long been saturated with prefab consumer goods, building stuff yourself is suddenly such a noteworthy and noble practice that doing so confers upon you the status of Maker. As a Maker, you may even wish to join other Makers at the Maker's Faire, and if you Make something really awesome, like an Arduino-controlled toaster-slash-ebook-reader-for-the-functionally-retarded, you might even get featured in a BoingBoing post! I hate to break it to you, BoingBoing, but making things is not a sign of brilliance, nor of individualism, nor of anti-consumerism. It is a hobby for people who have a bunch of free time and money which they have decided to piss away on meaningless personal projects which do absolutely nothing to better mankind. That's pretty much the exact opposite of what should qualify someone for a specially-invented honorific title. Makers do not exist in the real world. They are more accurately referred to as "hobbyists", "tinkerers", or if particularly gifted, "selfish bastards who should be doing something worthwhile". Oh, and by the way - capitalization does not a new term make. Pun honestly not intended, and I feel sad that one accidentally worked its way in there, because I quite like puns and BoingBoing isn't worthy of them.


So, there you go. Three simple reasons why BoingBoing sucks: its two most prominent posters, and its favorite subject matter. If that is not enough to convince you the site is a horrid waste of time, I'm not sure what to tell you. Maybe this: BoingBoing is very popular for a reason. So is Kanye West. So is Two And A Half Men.

Author's Note: I'm sorry that first section about Cory Doctorow was so long, but I had to stick the boot in hard. He really is a cunt.